Oh man. We’re back. It feels like forever but it’s really only been a few months. But a few months without my Monday night fix of the Bachelor/Bachelorette feels like awhile. And you all know how excited I am for my girl, Rachel. I haven’t been this excited about a lead since Andi (I have a thing for lady lawyers), and Rachel could even exceed Andi’s season. I get the sense that she has a better sense of humor, and I’m excited to see where this season goes. Of course, all of it depends on the men picked to woo her. Let’s see how they stack up.
I need to start by saying that for some unholy reason, ABC has omitted the geographic location for these men. Geography is crucial to my analysis, so I’m kind of flying blind. With that caveat, I am not feeling Adam. He’s 27 (Rachel is 32) and a 5 year age difference might be too much. He’s tall enough, which is good, but his profile is affirmatively boring. Until he says his favorite actor is Jennifer Lawrence (this is a good choice) but his reasoning goes astray – he likes her because “she is every girl’s goal.” Is she YOUR goal, Adam? He’s normal enough to maybe linger for awhile, or he might be a first-nighter. Not top 4 though, no way.
Alex is very attractive. He’s 28, maybe a little young but within range, and he’s tall. Unfortunately, his answers are even more boring than Adam’s. He can’t pick three musical artists he likes (music isn’t a big part of his life) and he likes giving practical gifts. He calls himself “unemotional,” which, in this franchise, is a big red flag. He ate a live salamander? I think that skews more weird than interesting. Alex is attractive enough to stick around until like top 6-8, but I don’t think he’s Rachel’s guy.
Anthony is a cutie! He’s really young though, 26, which I think will eventually be a strike against him. He’s extra tall, which is only a good thing, and his answers are spot on. He references his mom, teaching English in Indonesia, get a freaking FULBRIGHT to teach in the Ivory Coast, and does it all while sounding humble. IN TO ANTHONY. His profile has a lot of depth (hello, he reads Murakami). This is the caliber I want for Rachel. I only hope the age difference doesn’t work against him.
We have two Blakes this season! Blake #1 is 31, age appropriate! Unfortunately he does not have a real job (he is an “aspiring drummer.” That could be producer-driven, who knows. Blake seems just fine. He got engaged to a crazy girl and the engagement only lasted 48 hours, so I’d like to hear more about that, but otherwise he seems to have a pretty good sense of normalcy/humor. Unobjectionable.
Blake #2! Blake seems pretty straightforward. He’s a marine, which is pretty cool. I should note that he is the second person to reference Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I don’t hate it though. He was pretty good on SNL and I definitely like him in Ballers. Do you think he’s actually running for president? Anyway, Blake #2. What can you say? He likes Chipotle. He likes his mom. He lost his dad, which sucks. Sorry, Blake #2. I’m going to take the wait-and-see approach to Blake #2. Not enough info at this point.
Our first male model! Welcome, Brady. I’m leaning way in to Brady only because he understands the beauty of Lululemon sweatpants for men. They’ve seriously changed my husband’s life. Thank you, Brady, for bringing attention to this important retail option. Brady is cute, right age, right height. I don’t know if I see Rachel with a male model, but there is a bit of depth to Brady’s answers (at least he affirmatively rejects Mike The Situation as too much of a bro, so that’s a start). I am not feeling him for final 4.
I like Bryan! He’s definitely on the older side, 37, but he’s handsome and a professional (a chiropractor!). He describes himself as kind, which I think is very important, and calls out Bill Gates as someone he looks up to. As much as I like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Bill Gates wins this round. I am in to Bryan for Rachel. Final four.
Bryce… annoys me. At least his answers do. A few examples:
Would you describe yourself as “the party-starter,” “the wingman” or “the laid back one”? Laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die. (I’m sorry, what? This is not a country song.)
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? High speed pursuit on a motorcycle. Saved someone’s life. Outrageous is relative. (So deep.)
What does your ideal mate look like? Tall, athletic, soft features, eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun. (Insulting the sun? What?)
How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning. (Pretty sure you’d be electrocuted if this is the case.)
Bye, Bryan. I hope you don’t annoy me too much on this JOURNEY.
What a baby face! He’s also pretty young, 26. It shows. He’d bring hot cheetos and mint chocolate chip ice cream on to a desert island. Not hating on either, mint chocolate chip is my jam, but not very practical and doesn’t give much color into who he is besides the fact he likes snacks. He seems like he’s been through some stuff (lost a parent, grew up in a mobile home) and has some interesting thoughts on marriage (“I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs.”) You do you, Dean. I don’t see him with Rachel, but I do think he’s interesting. Maybe he’ll be the right kind of guy for Paradise.
DeMario is handsomeee. That smile! Those eyes! He’s 30 and tall and has a seemingly professional job (I don’t really understand what an executive recruiter is – is it like that Justin Timberlake/Mila Kunis movie?). Despite (or perhaps, because of) his looks, I have a few concerns. He seems a bit crazy? He wants a pet lion? He references ’07 Britney Spears and ’11 Charlie Sheen – allegedly he does NOT want that type of attention but he certainly is tuned in to it. Also, this:
Do you have any phobias that would prohibit your participation in certain activities? No, I’m perfect.
If he’s joking, fine. If not, RUN RACHEL RUN.
Diggy! Not sure what that name is about, but I am DIGGING him (get it???)! Like, a medium amount. I love his glasses, he’s 31, he’s only 5’11 but I’m pretty sure Rachel is a short lady, so 5’11 is more than tall enough. He references sex more than once in his questionnaire, which is a little off, but he also prefers low key spots (dive bars) to hot spots (clubs) and I can get behind that. I think Diggy sticks around long enough for us to get to the bottom of that name.
Our first personal trainer! PTs are staples on The Bachelorette, so we better get used to it. I find myself getting salty about it, but then I remember I love Shawn B. and he is a hardcore personal trainer, so I remember I have to keep an open mind. BUT Eric is in to Tony Robbins and I am so over that. I have met enough questionably intelligent dudes who swear by Tony Robbins and his “teachings” (you’re not missing out on anything if you don’t know who he is). I think Rachel will cut through that BS pretty quickly.
Fred is all over the place. He seems like a good guy who is close with his family, but then he whips out gems like this:
Ever have trouble in the bedroom? Or been turned on during the wrong time? We want to hear what happened! Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed. (TMI.)
And this double:
What’s your biggest date fear? The fear of having my card declined
I love it when my date… pays for the meal.
Maybe it’s a joke? I would actually very much appreciate the paying for the meal quip if he hadn’t just alluded to having insufficient funds. Also taking a wait-and-see approach here. Maybe Fred just has a very evolved sense of humor!
I think Grant was a little too forthcoming in his questionnaire. He wants to be president and seems to have an impressive resume, but lets his true feelings slip a bit:
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why? I like being the center of attention while appearing to maintain a humble outlook on it. This allows for others to envy and respect you more.
Borderline sociopathic? Maybe that’s a reach. It’s certainly manipulative and an odd thing to say. Grant is an emergency medical physician, which is not the typical path to president, but there’s always a first. He’s the right age and right height, but seems a bit too intense for our leading lady.
We have a Diggy and an Iggy! I like Iggy. He’s age-appropriate, he’s a CEO, he’s the right height, and seems to have a sense of humor, although it’s always hard to tell from these things. His answers were quite short, but I THINK I’m on team Iggy. At least until top 6.
Jack Stone leads with his last name. Fine. He’s also an attorney! I am all for attorney/attorney relationships (works for us!) but it’s definitely a choice that doesn’t work for everyone. I kind of get the sense that Rachel might be more in to guys who do something different and can give her an escape from the job, but who knows. Jack Stone is very obviously a lawyer. His favorite author is John Grisham. He “plead the fifth” to one of the answers. He identifies himself as competitive and anxious. I feel like Rachel will want someone more fun-loving, so I have to say no to Jack Stone.
Couple red flags here. He can’t answer where he’ll be in 5 years because he’s “trying to not make plans in life.” He prefers his mate to look like a model, and then there’s this:
Describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title: I do not have female friends.
What the hell, dude? Hard pass on Jamey. I hope he goes home night one.
I feel really bad because I’ve looked through Rachel’s guys at least three times before this and I have never even laid eyes on Jedidiah until now. Dude does not stand out in a crowd. I have some thoughts on his profile but none are noteworthy. I’m going to let his lack of presence speak for itself.
Jonathan’s job is “Tickle Monster.” I honestly don’t know what to say about that. It’s not abnormal to have a weird profession. We’ve seen “twin,” “dog lover,” and “free spirit,” but Tickle Monster jumps the shark. Really weird from a 31-year old. Maybe he’s a dad?? That might do it? He was previously married (he lost his virginity with his ex-wife). I can’t deal with Jonathan and his creepy job.
Josiah is also an attorney. I know I said that I didn’t think Rachel would want to be with another lawyer, but Josiah speaks about his job very differently than Jack Stone does. Josiah wants to effect “real change” in his community, and wants to “help those that have made mistakes.” Faith and family seem pretty important to him. I can’t tell if he has a sense of humor, which is KEY for Rachel, but if he does, I can see Josiah going far.
Third contestant to reference Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He’s this season’s dolphin. Kenny actually has a good reason to like The Rock, though, because Kenny is a professional wrestler. Kenny has a daughter, whom he seems to adore. Kenny also has an actual tattoo of a caveman. Too on the nose? I don’t think Kenny is the one for Rachel, but I do think he’ll be entertaining and nice.
Oof Kyle makes me cringe. I have lots of thoughts but I’m just going to leave this here:
Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.
Nope nope nope.
Lee is clearly a country boy. He calls his grandma “Mamaw” and likes Gone With The Wind. He also says “hip hop” was his most embarrassing style choice (he literally referenced FUBU). I haven’t talked about race yet in this post, and I’m looking forward to addressing it this season. This is the most diverse group we’ve seen, and I’m here for it. Lee does not fit in to that, at least not on paper. Gone With The Wind may be a good love story, but it’s also fairly problematic, and has been highlighted as a racist film. More than once. So I’m not going to judge Lee for his movie preferences of vernacular, but I do want to note that there are potential issues here, and I’m not sure I see this guy with Rachel. It’s a little tone deaf to go there when we have the first black lead on this show.
I’m already annoyed with Lucas. He says his occupation is “Whaboom.” WTF does that mean? Booooo.
I like Matt. Nice and normal. He’s 32, he’s a Construction Sales Rep, and he’s the right height. I could really use a geographic clue to help me understand him, but from what I can tell he seems like a nice guy. He loves his parents, likes Matt Lauer (agree to disagree but I can respect the choice), and gives back to his community. Tentative yes.
I like Michael. He’s a former professional basketball player (sounds like he did that whole overseas bball thing in Bulgaria) and seems very chill. Maybe too chill. He’s also only 26 and I just see Rachel going with someone more mature. So it’s a no to Michael for Rachel, but yes to Michael generally.
Milton! Love his name! Milton has an inner-lip tattoo, which is just nuts. I wonder what it is, and if it’s still legible. Unfortunately, Milton got a little too honest in his questionnaire:
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show? Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I’m made for TV/movies. Doesn’t mean I’m out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.
I don’t think he’s here for the right reasons.
I really like Mohit. I’m bummed he’s only 26, because I don’t see him ending up with Rachel, but he seems legit. His answer to the ambiguous question of “Gluten?” was that he was going to dress up like it for Halloween (if you’re wondering what the correct answer is, it’s “Yes, please.”). He likes hot spots instead of dives, but it’s because he likes to dance. It’s pretty clear family is important to him. Kind of a Mohit fan. Maybe for one of the twins??
We have a business owner! But he also seems to be a male model? I hope he skews more professional than pouty. He’s a triple-Ironman, which is no joke. He’s 31 and tall and kind of dreamy. Should I be skeeved out that he lists one of the attributes of his ideal mate as “motherly?” It’s kind of rubbing me the wrong way, but in his defense, he did list a LOT of adjectives. I think I like Peter.
Rob is a law student, so I automatically feel bad for him. Long road ahead, kid. Although Rob is 30, so he’s not exactly a kid. Everything in Rob’s profile checks out, until we get to this:
Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who purses you, and why? I prefer a woman who pursues me. It shows that she has the focus and the courage to go for something that she wants despite the cultural expectation that the man do the pursuing.
I get the sentiment, but that’s not really how this show works. If he sticks to it, he’ll have a hard time standing out.
Will also seems like a nice guy. Two red flags that make me think he will not go far in this process:
If you’re interested in someone, do you tend to become shy or outgoing? I can be slightly more reserved at first. (There’s not much time for reservation.)
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Be someone’s second choice. (Unless dude thinks he’s getting every group date rose, he’s in for a world of hurt.)
But he’s cute and seems normal so he’s not an immediate no.
- Bryan. Honestly, Bryan is the only one who stands out on paper to me above the others. He’s the oldest of the group and seems to have some depth to him. Top choice for now.
- Josiah. He seems to have some legit goals about giving back to his community. I don’t know if Rachel will want to add another lawyer to the family, but if that’s her thing, Josiah could be her man.
- Anthony. I really like Anthony. He’s super accomplished (Fulbrights are no joke) and he seems family-oriented. If he were a few years older, he’d be at the top of the list.
I’m going to stop it at top three. There are a bunch of guys who are unobjectionable and cute, but I can’t differentiate them further at this point. I do think there is a lot of potential in this middle pack, so we’ll just have to wait and see!
Let the journey begin.