Well it’s that time of the year again. JoJo’s path to love begins tomorrow, and we all get to watch as she either finds love, or gets her heart broken on national television, again. But perhaps even more importantly, it’s the time of the year for groups around the country to place their bets on the lucky men who will be competing for JoJo’s attention!
And with that comes the time-honored fantasy draft. I am part of a fantasy league for both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and one of my favorite parts of the season is before the show starts airing and we get to judge 25 men or women based on one picture and a few answers to a questionnaire.
I spend some time thinking about this draft, and the show generally – probably too much time – and have decided to share my draft notes and thoughts, along with my final team. So without further ado, I present to you an annotated list of JoJo’s men.
Meet Alex. Alex is a 25-year old (strike 1) U.S. Marine (potential strike 2), who is 5’7 (major strike 3). Although JoJo is on the younger end of the Bachelorette spectrum, I see her going for an older man. More importantly, however, I see her going for someone tall. Height is a factor that cannot be underestimated.
Ali is a little more exciting. He’s a 27-year-old bartender who is an inch taller than Alex. Probably not making it to final four, but he has that dark and handsome thing going for him, and he kind of looks like JoJo’s brother, which, given their “closeness” as evidenced in last season, might work in his favor.
Oh Brandon. Poor sweet Brandon. What are you doing on this show? Brandon is someone maybe Britt would like, but he is no match for JoJo. Despite his very tall stature of 6’4 and his appropriate age of 28, his occupation is “Hipster.” He also has no tattoos, so I’m not sure I believe that he’s a real hipster, but we’ll let that slide. Brandon, I hope you make it past night 1.
Here is Chad. Chad looks like he could be someone JoJo might be into, and he happens to share the same name as her pesky ex CHAD from last season. He’s 28, 6’2, and he’s in real estate, just like JoJo, so all signs point to yes. Note that up until now I still have not bothered with any of the answers to the dumb questionnaire. Those answers factor maybe 5% into my choices for who will win, and usually only serve to work against people. Case in point, Chad. When asked who he admires most in the world, he answered himself in 10 years. When asked who he would be if he could be someone else for a day, he answered himself in 10 years. When asked who he would have lunch with he answered HIMSELF IN 10 YEARS. He was witty enough to add in an “alright, alright, alright” after each statement. Listen Chad, we get the callout to Dazed and Confused, but I’m still not buying what you’re selling. However, I think he will be around for a least a little bit. Not hometown-worthy though.
Alright Chase, now we’re talking. Chase is nice and tall at 6’3, is a solid 27, has a normal job (medical sales) and doesn’t look like he bathes in muscle milk. Honestly, that alone puts him towards the top of the pack for me. No need to read the rest, Chase, you’re going far.
We have our first minority contestant, Christian! Christian checks the boxes for age and job, but might be a tad short for JoJo. Christian’s profile is just fine, although I do question his number 1 thing on his bucket list, which is to “build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect.” Christian listed that over taking a trip to space. I think Christian needs to dream a little bigger. Christian will probably make it through the first few weeks, but ultimately JoJo won’t feel the romantic connection, sparking another round of discussions about the role of race in this process. Can’t wait.
Here is Coley. I hate Coley’s hair, and according to ABC, Coley’s real name is Colin. Why would you make a nickname that is not at all shorter, and is magnitudes weirder than your normal name? Pass on Coley/Colin.
Daniel is a male model. I did not notice the redundancy there until we were drafting for fantasy, but astute observers questioned the need to specify “male.” That’s how this show works, Daniel (for now.. fingers crossed for a gay Bachelor one day). Daniel is also 31, which makes me wonder what his backup plan is once his modeling days are over. I could probably write an entire post on the reasons I think Daniel’s questionnaire answers are problematic, but in a snapshot, he refers to himself, and his body, as a “lambo.” Twice. Not going far. I hope he gets in a fight with Chad.
Finally, a breath of fresh air! This is Derek, and I’m a huge fan. I’m not alone, he was one of the first guys to go in our draft. Must be those baby blues. He’s a commercial banker who’s 29 and he’s the perfect height for JoJo at 6’3. Unfortunately he’s from Ft. Lauderdale, which I think will cut against him longterm (more on that later), but I’d pick Derek for hometowns.
Evan here decided to go the route of joke profession as an “erectile dysfunction specialist.” He may actually do that work, but what’s wrong with saying medical specialist? These types of stunts work very rarely, and only if you’re attractive enough. I don’t have a good feeling about this one.
Alright team. Grant is a 28 year-old firefighter from San Francisco. Check, check, and check. He’s also 6’2. Grant intrigues me. On paper, I would say this is a GO for JOJO. We’ll see how it works out. Yes to Grant.
Not feeling Jake here. I extremely dislike his short sleeve button up with the dark v-neck underneath. He’s a landscape architect, which seems fine. His answer to where he saw himself in five years was married to the Bachelorette (note, he did not say JoJo because he likely did not even know who the bachelorette was when he filled out this questionnaire) and with their first child. Meh.
James is 34, which is like a decade older than JoJo. Nope.
At first glance, James S. seems just fine. However, things quickly take a turn for the worse. His occupation is listed as “Bachelor Superfan.” He sounds like a virgin (his words, not mine) and hates eating fish. Oh, and he also includes this gem: he loves it when his date “doesn’t attempt to pay for the bill. Two things women shouldn’t touch on a date: the door and the bill.” Admirable sentiment but delivery is off – why are you telling women what they can’t do when you’re trying to be chivalrous. Hard pass.
James Taylor is the THIRD James, and perhaps the most interesting. He is a musician. Who is named James Taylor. He also sounds like he might be an interesting novelty. He has two tattoos – an American flag and an eagle. I predict James Taylor will be taking advantage of the free alcohol and pool time.
Hi Jonathan! We finally get to see an Asian man compete. I can’t remember the last time we’ve seen an Asian man – we’ve had a few Asian women in the past – but I’m excited to see the show diversifying, even if it’s just a bit. Unfortunately, I hate Jonathan’s shirt. He is Canadian, which has worked well in the past for women, but he also has his grandma tattooed on his inner arm. I am interested to know more about this. Like, her face? Her name? Her birthday? I hope it’s her face. Jonathan, welcome to the party.
This is Jordan. Jordan Rodgers. The brother of Aaron Rodgers, and a former pro football player. This guy is going far. He also is the right height, age, and has a hair swoop that cuts against him being a total meathead. I think JoJo will like him, and he’s at least guaranteed hometowns, in the offchance Aaron shows up.
Luke has me all confused. He looks the part, but he’s 31, which is a bit old. He’s a war veteran, which is cool (and I assume not his current occupation), but he’s from Burnet, TX. I’m not sure how a Dallas girl will deal with that, it could go either way (same state, yes! small town, no!). He also wants to have lunch with Mark Cuban. What is the deal with this group? Anyway, I’m putting him in the middle. Too soon to tell.
Nick B. is just fine. His whole profile also seems like a joke, except for his favorite movies, which are likely the most cited male movies of all time – Braveheart, Gladiator, and Saving Private Ryan. This guy couldn’t get more “guy” if he tried. He plays rugby, which is cool, but his favorite magazine is Ducks Unlimited and now I’m confused. Can’t make a call, which is usually not a good sign.
This is Nick S. but it honestly doesn’t matter because full stop, that is either a necklace or a bandanna but that was a CHOICE Nick S. made and I cannot forgive him. Goodbye Nick S.
Peter, sweet sweet Peter. I’m oddly a fan of this young man, even though he is only 26 and only 5’11. His mustache makes me think he’s a pledge and is being hazed. He is from Chicago though, and he looks so sweet. However, I think he’s a bit young in the face for JoJo. I hope you don’t get your heart broken Peter!
Such a fan of Robby here! He’s a former competitor swimmer who is 27 and 6’1. He seems really genuine in a non-lame way in his questionnaire, which is a hard balance to strike. He kind of reminds me of Marcus from Andi’s season – eager to please. I think JoJo will like that. Calling Robby for hometowns.
At first look, Sal seems like a good pick. However, his questionnaire is so incredibly boring that I hope he was kidding. For example, if he could have one superpower, he would choose to fly. But he wouldn’t fly, say, across the ocean, or to a vacation destination, or to hover outside of tall apartment buildings to totally freak people out. Sal would fly so he could “beat traffic.” The most outrageous thing he has ever done in his whole life was egg someone’s house. If stranded on a desert island, Sal would bring a cell phone and an air conditioner. He would also bring a gun. All in all, pretty weird answers Sal.
Vinny is a barber, which is fine. Vinny has a terrible haircut, which is kind of not fine. But the fact that Vinny is a barber AND has a terrible haircut is inexcusable.
Wells is cute. He’s 31 and a radio DJ. All seems fine with Wells, and I even like his name, but I do NOT like that he is wearing a jean jacket with buttons and an iron on patch. I dislike this jacket so much that I am not even going to read his profile. Actually I did, but closed it when he spelled because as “cuz.” Maybe he has Peter Pan syndrome, but I’m not into it.
Last but not least we have Will, a 26-year old civil engineer. I was a big fan of Will until I read his three worst attributes – that he’s competitive, argumentative, and stubborn. Listen, kudos to Will for letting it all hang out on the first day, but those are three red flags off the bat. I have a feeling he’s not going to deal well with this process.
JoJo has her hands full this season, lots of characters. My ideal draft team is Jordan, Chase, Robby, and Derek. But we can’t always get what we want, so my actual team is Jordan, Robby, Luke, Grant, and Ali. We’ll see how it goes.
Cheers to the new season and looking forward to sharing it with you, on this JOURNEY.